Every couple has marriage fights whether you are a newlywed or have been married for decades. The problem lies in the aftermath of the fight and the feelings associated with the aftermath. If you are the perceived winner; Will you boast and smile with a smirk on your face towards your defeated opponent? Or will you retreat like an injured bear seeking opportunities for revenge. The often-hidden feelings associated with the outcome of common couple marriage fights can damage a marriage for years and utterly end in divorce.
According to the article, 5 Common fights couples have in their first year of their marriage, the area of greatest adversity are:
- You should understand me better
- We need to have some better boundaries
- You promise that you would change
- I need some alone time
- You’re not good with money
The five common areas fall into the categories of communication skills, expectation challenges, and financial planning.
The battle for acceptable communication skills began with God and Adam in the Garden of Eden. … The Lord God commanded the man, saying, Of every tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat: But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die (Genesis 2:16-17 – KJV). God communicated His instructions for Adam for which his wife Eve contradicted.
In Genesis 3:6 (KJV), … the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree to be desired to make one wise, she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto her husband with her; and he did eat. At that time, Adam did not communicate to Eve God’s instructions and therefore fell out of favor with God due to his disobedience.
It is the husband’s responsibility to ensure the appropriate communication process in a marriage. The scriptures reveal that it is the husband’s leadership responsibility for the marriage.
Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee (Genesis 3:16- KJV).
In order to enhance communication in the marriage, husbands must focus on eliminating any roadblocks to positive communication. Roadblocks to positive communication are derived from communication defensive routines. Communication defensive routines are communication behaviors that are exhibited during heated communication exchanges. Therefore, the husband must be able to keep a level head, document the communication behaviors and then develop plans that ensure a positive outcome during heated communication exchanges.
Next are expectation challenges. The easiest way to overcome expectations challenges is for both spouses to write down their top 20 marriage expectations. First, discuss the expectations that you agree on. Next, agree on five of the other expectations and then develop a plan for accomplishing those expectations. Once those are accomplished use the same process for the next five expectations. Follow this process until all expectations are accomplished through the planning process.
The final category is finances. At least two studies show that this could lead to divorce. Data released by the financial firm TD Ameritrade found that 41% of divorced Gen Xers and 29% of Boomers say they ended their marriage due to disagreements about money. What’s more, if you’re arguing about money early on in your relationship, watch out: That may be the No. 1 predictor of whether or not you’ll end up divorced, according to a study of more than 4,500 couples published in the journal Family Relationships.
Overcoming the financial challenges requires that the husband and wife develop a financial plan to include family and individual spending to eliminate common marriage fights.
Dr. Derrick and Minister Sheila Campbell
PO Box 4707
Cherry Hill, NJ 08012
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